I made a couple of big blunders that have the potential to derail my entire ministry career.
The fact exists that I have strong opinions and express them oblivious or without any regard for the listener. And that's when I get myself in trouble. Every. Single. Time. Offending others is a nack I have that in the awful sinful nature of this world I have not been able to get rid of, heal, tame, or force any kind of helpful pro-active changes in my character. The majority of the time, I apologize once I realize my mistake. Straight to the point. That's it. No additional comments.
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At the same time, I find myself in need of someone that I can talk openly without sugar-coating, and without the other person taking charge of the conversation and talk about themselves, or wanting to give advice, make me feel better or "fixing it", better said "fixing me".
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Last night I spoke truths to someone that needed to hear them. Observations that others were, in my opinion, too chicken to bring up in the disguise of religious brotherhood. But my tone of voice was harsh (definitely no kindness or gentleness there), which made others cry and attempt to defend themselves. I apologized because I knew they needed it, not because it was my idea. It was a 3rd party that had been listening that pointed out my harshness.
So I did the "proper" thing to do and say exactly why I was apologizing and how my intentions were not to make them uncomfortable. Hypocritical, but I knew they needed it. I accepted the correction and that was it.
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One good thing is that it was via live video. That was a good way to snap, be reprimanded, apologize, and receive their forgiveness. No hidden messages or un-spoken attitudes to be misinterpreted.
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And then, yes, and then I received a voicemail from the main hurt person. And it was a sandwiched "I forgive you" voicemail. You know those?
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"I forgive you, (insert additional useless comments, expand why the comment and excuse, rationalize the the verbal rabbit trail), you are my friend and I owe you a meal".
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Though they'd expressed the forgiveness part in the live video, this second forgiveness was a time of preaching. I forgive you, and then the very long sermon of being in unity for the one big cause and... I tunned out here.
I don't care. I'm pissed at the fake extension of the hand to make the fake peace.
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10 years of marriage introduced and acquainted me with the "I'm sorry, but", "I forgive you, but" types of some (not all) on absolving themselves in hidden ways that make others blindly accept and take responsibility, even after they had done so in the past.
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Does this sound like a person (either me or them) that battles with narcissistic personality?
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"Unity", I am always trying to tell others the importance of it, and now it's come to bite me!
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Anyways. That's what I got. The poop sandwich in a message and my insufficiency to feel sorry for what I did and how that event, alongside a couple of other similar situations like this have a significant picture of me being done with all this.
I want to leave. Disappear. Take a McDonald's job that is mindless and void of responsibility to others besides flipping burgers. I'm tired of other's bull. I'm tired of my bull.
Van life might be difficult, but it might be a really good way to decompress from mingling too long with others.
I'm done. I'm out.
Now I need to plan for the rest of this year and my exit. The Lord willing and He will approve and help me. My soul is dry and void to help others right now. I have zero tolerance, compassion, or empathy to work with others, I'm burning bridges and that is my warning red light. I recognize I am in the zone to burn out like I did 8 years ago and if I don't do something I will be forced to take steps back like I did back then.
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So, start prepping for a full exit.
